upsides of failure

well, it’s unfortunate but i failed one of my 2020 major goals of posting on my blog at least once a week. last week was difficult in so many ways and i just couldn’t find the motivation to write. i’m glad to say that this week is already so much better and i’m hoping that i can continue to keep up with my goal otherwise, despite this lapse.

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i’m excited, though, to catch you up on everything i’ve been up to (or not up to.)

last week i hit a big funk again, i can’t really explain what caused it but i’m sure that my thresholds have been a lot lower due to the current pandemic that’s especially sweeping the united states. i’m extremely extroverted and the lack of socialization has been quite difficult for me. i’m also very cautious about germs so the fact that the virus is a big threat really added a pile of stress to my already mounting worries.

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i’ve found some light in my life though, and have worked hard to add to my hobbies list and improve myself. i’ve gone on a lot of walks, and really started looking internally. i’ve spent so much time with tony, and thankfully we’re not sick of each other yet. each weekday i talk to pia in the mornings and that really sets a nice tone for the day. reaching out to all my friends regularly really helps, too. there have been a few really exciting developments that are keeping me afloat lately, though!

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i’m getting a kitten sometime early next year! i’ve had my heart set on a balinese for a while – they’re the most naturally hypoallergenic cats, very social and playful (much like dogs) and to top it off they are so stinkin’ adorable. in this time of stress, throwing myself into a project or research really makes all the difference. i spent a lot of time trying to find balinese cats but they’re almost impossible to adopt – no one has them! so after an extensive search, i finally found a really great cattery in the area (well, only three hours away, rather.) and so we reached out. after a lot of back and forth and detailed phone conversations covering all sorts of questions, i finalized my spot for a kitten in a future litter of this beauty above. unfortunately, we’ll have to wait until early next year to meet them, but i’m really excited nonetheless.

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i finished a puzzle, chalkboards and a painting! i don’t have a decent picture of the puzzle – we put it away until we can get a frame for it. i can’t wait to hang it up, it turned out absolutely beautiful. i’m glad tony and i picked it. you know i’ve been working on these chalkboards for a while, so i’m excited that they’re finished and i’m pleased with how they came out. as for the painting, it was a gift for leta on her birthday. i’m honestly feeling too shy to share it, but all that matters is leta loved it. i was sad that this year i couldn’t really get to celebrate her in person because of all the social distancing precautions – but i’m hoping she knows how much i love her.

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i was extremely disappointed when i was denied to give blood last week. my iron levels were too low, and so they had to send me away. this may sound silly, but i’m pretty sure that was what pushed me past my breaking point. it was my only real “plan” this month – which with the inability to plan, i was so excited about. i wanted so much to feel like i was really doing something so when things didn’t pan out, i finally broke down. my silver lining is that i am scheduled to try again in may with pia, so hopefully i’ll be more successful then.

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in desperation to escape my reality, i found something new to pour my time into. i worked really hard to get a nintendo switch, and then tony got me animal crossing. it was suggested to me by tiffany since she knew my neurotic and controlling nature would really feel eased by the gameplay. i took her advice and honestly, i’m really glad i did. it seems almost unhealthy to say this but the game is really one of the few things keeping my head above water right now. escapism is not necessarily healthy – and honestly i’d prefer to handle this whole situation differently, but my options are quite limited.

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playing this game has restored some joy in me – not only just by diving in and really focusing on the little island and world i’m building – it’s given me the ability to make plans! i’m so excited that some nights i can plan to “come over” to a friend’s island, and while on the phone we can talk while our little characters do things together. this has become one of the things i look forward to the most during the day, and it’s really helping. tony picked it up, as well, and so we’ve had more to bond over and talk about, which is nice. i’m also happy to have goals and things to look forward to. “tomorrow my new house expansion will be done and then i can decorate!” it’s been a way to outlet my controlling and planning tendencies, and so to tiffany i’m eternally grateful.

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work has been good, actually. my new company has been handling the situation very well considering it’s been affected being based in the retail industry. i’m really glad that i have a job and routine in my life. my boss in particular sets aside time during the day just to chat with me, which we affectionately call “sanity chats.” it helps me feel more connected to this job even though i’m in the office alone. well, not completely alone, leah comes with me each day – she helps me stay in pace by walking her twice daily and having company when i leave my desk.

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i got her a bunch of cute outfits to wear and now she associates wearing clothes with going out, so she actually tries to shove her little head into the clothes when i pull them out.

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above all, my therapist has been reminding me constantly that a healthy concern and positive outlook is so important during this time. i panic easily, so she’s had to talk me down a few times, but i’m very fortunate in that she always knows what to say. i guess that’s what you get from an almost four-year-old relationship. i’ve been trying to list out all the things i’m grateful for in a gratitude journal, and praying each night. i’m working hard to practice these things each day but i definitely slip from time to time.

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i’m almost done packing all of my things to move into tony’s officially. i’ve been feeling very exhausted having my things in two places, so once i’ve got everything again, i think i’ll finally really feel “at home.” planning out how we’re going to decorate when it’s just us two has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me. i’ll just keep closing my eyes and envisioning it, in the meantime.

this was immensely wordy – i supposed i had a lot to say after all. lacking motivation last week was definitely unfortunate, but it seems i’m doing so well now – which i’m going to note as another thing to be grateful for.

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i hope you’re all staying safe during all this turmoil. i’d like to say that this will be over soon, but honestly everything’s still a mystery. until then, all i can say is: drink a lot of water, get some sunlight when you can, and don’t forget to enjoy all the small joys in each day. xX

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