i feel conflicted. because i don’t know if i have the right to feel the way i feel right now. how can i feel so selfishly sad when i know that others are experiencing this ten-fold?

yesterday my sorority big passed away in a car accident. honestly, it’s been years since we’ve had a real conversation, and even longer since i last saw her. we haven’t been close since my active days – but i always took for granted that i’d see her at the next “family” get together or one day we’d bond over something and reconnect.

but now we can’t.

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she was literally the most amazing big i could ever ask for. during my pledge days, she was by my side, 100%. she did everything to help me get through the rigorous task of joining kappa phi lambda, and gave me very irreplaceable memories. the times i spent eating lunch with her, meeting her for dinner, exchanging emails; they were all very very special.

we grew apart after i crossed and became a full-fledged sister. i had some hard feelings towards the sorority and that made me distance myself from everyone – even her. and the next thing i knew, years passed. of course we’d kept up with each other’s lives through social media, facebook and instagram are perfect for that sort of thing. her daughter was growing up so quickly, she suddenly became very passionate about houseplants, her husband was an amazing father, they just bought their forever home – she was literally the definition of a girl boss. tough, creative, hardworking, and inspiring, that’s who my big was.

i can’t believe i just had to type was.

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i’m kicking myself, for not trying harder to reach out. for not scheduling to meet up with her because i felt awkward about it. i’ll never get to tell her “thank you” for all the things she did for me when i was struggling in college. i’ll never get the chance to rekindle the relationship we once had. but who cares about me? what about her husband? her daughter? her family? i can’t even comprehend how devastating this is for them.

what’s even more painful is that she just posted a blog not long ago about her plans for the rest of this year, her goals, her hopes, her ambitions. she wrote so excitedly that things have finally settled down and now she can relax a little and resume some severely needed self-care. yesterday she posted a status about her plans to have another child, not even knowing it was her last day.

how fragile and fleeting human life is. how quickly it can be smothered out, and how easily we all take that for granted. you truly don’t know if it’s your last day, or the last day of someone dear to you.

ammie miemo khamvongsa cho – i’m so incredibly sad, a light left the world, and i wish i could tell her, “thanks for everything.”

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