one day at a time

i’ve been really struggling lately, that’s no secret.

luckily, i’ve been surrounded by amazing people who have really been helping me get through everything weighing me down lately. i can’t express enough how essential these people have been to me. i’ve been keeping busy with volleyball, friend dates, and trying to find myself.

that sounds so corny. “find myself.” i really don’t like the idea of facing myself. i’ve been hiding my identity behind other people my whole life, and i think it’s because i’m afraid that if you take them out of the equation, there’ll be nothing left. i realized recently that i don’t really enjoy my own company – why is that? i’ve been trying to spend more time alone, be introspective and figure out who the girl is that i see in the mirror each day.

there’s a song i like that a friend sent to me recently. i’ve listened to it over and over, reanalyzing the lyrics, finding a different meaning in them each time.

idontwannabeyouanymore – billie eilish

i realized that if i don’t want to be myself anymore, then i should change. the only problem is change like that is gradual. you have to take it a day at a time, and when you’re comparing your progress day by day, it seems so hopeless. not to mention that for all the good days you have, bad days still come, and suddenly you feel like you’re back at square zero – not even square one. today is just one of those days, unfortunately.

i tell myself to stay focused. keep my eyes forward and don’t forget what i want for myself. but god, it gets so difficult sometimes that i feel like i’m suffocating.

anyways, there’s nothing i can do but push forward.

if you’re going through hell, keep going.