in excess

why is it that peace finds you in the most mysterious ways? i always felt like closure wasn’t a real thing, that only the tincture of time could really mend all wounds, but perhaps i was wrong. i’ve loved so much in my life, in excess even, i’d say. the trouble with that is it was a direct result of not loving myself enough, and instead giving out the extra i wasn’t using for myself and letting people who were undeserving have it. i’ve never really made people earn my love.

i’ve experienced what it’s like to have someone so incredibly precious to me that i completely lost sight of myself. and it’s so easy to fall into those old habits just for the sake of feeling something again. i’ve run away, countless times, from myself. i never wanted to face the fact that perhaps i wasn’t doing the right thing. i never wanted to accept that i still had feelings and because of that i couldn’t let go. in such cases, you just have to stand up straight, stare your fears right between the eyes, and charge them head on. it’s been so difficult to do that, but since i’ve started, i’ve felt immensely empowered, like a whole new person.

i’ve found myself asking new questions lately. my do they like me? has turned into do i like them? where i used to wonder if i would get rejected, i now wonder if i would even accept. it’s a strange thing, to stand on the other side of the glass and become the chooser, instead of the choice. i don’t mean to come across snide, or arrogant, but it took me a very long time to start feeling this way, and to achieve it is honestly a great accomplishment.

i still have bad days. there are days i will miss someone so much that the pain can be excruciating. sometimes i even almost wish that things had turned out differently, but then would i be in the wonderful state of mind i’m in now? how can i trade this reality for one i’m not even certain would have contained happiness? when those things happen, i have to remember that the peace i’ve found lately has been through all the heartache and pain.

there are definitely things in my life i’m not satisfied with, that i desperately wish i could change. but the only way to push past those things is to accept them as they are, including myself. as time passes, if i keep everything i’ve gone through in mind, i can forge my way to the future i want. i can’t afford to be complacent.