i’ve been overwhelmed with different emotions lately – i’m sure it’s because my threshold has been meddled with due to the current events in the world. there’s been a lot of crying, tension, and fear in my life. but something else intensified, too. love.
in the time being isolated with my partner, i’ve learned so much about love and about myself. so many people have been talking about how this quarantine and social distancing is causing a lot of fights and disagreements with their partners – that they can’t stand their other half. i’ve read jokes and been remarked to several times now about relationships during this stay at home order. it’s funny, because every time someone mentions that this must be a real test on tony and me, i actually chuckle because we’ve been doing just fine; almost better, actually.
we’ve really gotten to know each other. we’ve had to deal with each other’s low days, each other’s small ticks, and constantly being in each other’s bubble. have we argued? oh, absolutely. but we’ve come out stronger and closer each time. lately i’m realizing a lot of things that i wouldn’t have even dreamt of before. this love has suddenly become overwhelming – not in that crazed, passionate, volatile way i always thought love should be. it’s become overwhelmingly peaceful. it’s become a giant wave created by all the little things put together. by the consistency and certainty.
i find myself so incredibly overwhelmed by the love in the very small things we do together. it’s sneaking in a quick kiss when we’re cooking dinner. it’s turning over in the middle of the night to find that we’re holding hands. it’s hearing “how did you sleep” while brushing my teeth in the morning. it’s that high-five we share when we beat a level in the game we’re playing. it’s catching him staring at me when doing simple things. it’s planning what color we want to paint the kitchen. it’s feeling cranky and simply being asked if i’d like a glass of water.
none of these things are huge gestures, or game-changing events. they’re small little ripples that turn into a tsunami that washes over me each day; that love is a choice and we continue to make that choice every single day. i don’t feel even for a moment that i’m “stuck at home with him” because each day i can fill up my mind with moments to be thankful for. lately i’ve found myself feeling stronger than ever about my partner, and it’s also clear why.
tony likes to remind me that life’s hard, and all he wants is someone to get through it with. his partner. and that’s me. each day we’re working together to get through the lows and the highs, and i really feel like we’re in it together and it’s helped so much. all these thoughts came to me one night as i listened to him slowly fall asleep next to me. it’s not perfect but in a lot of ways tony and i find a way to make these things feel effortless. i’m learning more and more that love is a very consistent and wonderful thing. it’s nothing like i thought it would be like when i was a little girl dreaming of marriage.
and in five-hundred days, i get to call him my husband. that’s love.
kaffinejo's musings 