a stone castle

you were the one i didn’t see coming. like a flash of lightening in the night sky when the forecast was clear. i was dazzled by the brightness of your jagged lines as they lit up the darkness. it was only after that the loud thunder came rolling, and that was when i realized that things would never be the same for me.

i fell in love with you as naturally as it was to breathe. every word, every notion, falling into place just as air filled my lungs. soon enough those things replaced oxygen, and i felt like i could never survive without you.

my life was built around you, now. you were every staircase, every window, and every ounce of stone in my castle. i filled it with every little memory of us, decorating it with my heart. i started drawing up my bridge, and I felt that everything else was closed from us.

our winter came slowly. with each new frost i felt myself getting colder inside those stone walls. i lit fire after fire, hoping that i could turn this house into a home. i felt trapped by my own design, and because of that i couldn’t leave.

i scoured myself, hoping to find a way to rebuild us. i wanted so much that we could turn this cold stone castle into an honest, cozy cabin. but you resisted in your own way. your stones would not budge. you gave way little by little, but i was exhausted coaxing you to reshape yourself. i kept going, fingers frozen, reassured by the heat of the fire on my back.

before long i felt like i was suffocating, but i was terrified of the world outside. i decided to open the draw bridge, and maybe try to convince you from the outside. but it made it even more difficult. you grew colder and colder, to the point that i couldn’t even touch you. i felt like i had no home anymore.

i scolded myself for running away, even if i only did it to breath a little easier. i went back to the the drawbridge to find you had closed yourself off. you made me an outsider in the place where my heart was stored. i couldn’t find the words to beckon you to open up to me. you had sealed yourself tight, and i was just on the outside, recollecting all the little decorations i had put around inside you.

finally, the sun came out, and i saw you there, in all your beauty and strength, and i realized that i could never have changed a stone castle into a small wooden home. i analyzed every stone, every shadow you cast, and i felt a sense of longing. i knew now that i forced upon you the duty of being someone you were not.

my body was torn from the upkeep, but the idea of the joy  felt within the walls made me desperate. i thought perhaps i could learn to live without the fire, and just wrap myself up inside your comfort and it would be all okay. when you finally let me in again, i went inside the halls once more to find it colder than i remembered. it was at that moment that i knew i had to say goodbye because you and i both deserved better.

only when i took the first real steps away from you, did i see the first signs of spring.

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