oh boy! i’m back.
i wouldn’t be surprised if you thought maybe i’d quit blogging or you didn’t know i had a blog in the first place. it’s kind of surreal after so long to be writing again. after months and months of saying i would, i finally am.
since i last wrote you all, so many things have happened. but all those things that happened have mostly centered around the fact that i’m now a mommy. i still can’t believe it, that there’s a living being that’s (terrifyingly) a mini-me. but more on that later.
when i last wrote, i had just finished yet another community theatre show and, as usual, i wrote about the experience. my honest words had a mixed reception, and so i took a step back from writing for a bit. i had always meant to come back, making it a goal each month to write something. but as time passed, it didn’t happen, and before i knew it, i became pregnant. between making a human and learning how to raise a human, i could barely journal let alone spare a thought for my poor, neglected blog. and suddenly, boom, it’s 2026.
as i reflect on the past year and a half, i recognize that in so many ways i was just trying to survive. being pregnant is no simple feat, and then the aftermath (having an actual newborn) is even more so a challenge. between the infamous sleepless nights, fretting over your baby as you work to keep them alive, and then also remembering that you also have needs, all you can do is just go through the motions to get from day to day. it became an endless cycle of being exhausted but then never really resting because you were thinking about the things that need to be done and things that you wished you could do.
now, that’s not to say that it isn’t completely and utterly worth it. stress and sheer joy can exist simultaneously. and that’s something i never fully understood until becoming a parent. every day is such an immense gift, one that i cherish. being a mother is something i wouldn’t trade for anything, and i’d relive this past year and a half again just to experience the once-in-a-lifetime moments my daughter has given me again.
with that all being said, i feel that i’ve now found my footing, and so i asked myself, how do i want to approach this coming year? i’m no longer trying to get from day to day, i’m (mostly) adjusted to this new life of mine, and i want to start challenging myself again the way i tried to in the past. but just setting goals again didn’t feel right, and the idea of new year’s resolutions often failing made me take a moment and step back. what kind of year did i want? what kind of life did i want?
i decided that instead of having a list of things i wanted to accomplish this year, i wanted to set my entire year around one single mindset. do everything with intention. for so long i’d been doing my daily tasks to get them out of the way, i’ve been playing games or consuming media to just separate myself from reality. even time i spent with the people i love felt slightly burdensome due to how many worries filled my head from my new responsibilities. if i had trouble letting go before, imagine how i was now that there was a little life completely dependent on me.
so i resolved myself. i want to take back this life of mine. i want to do everything with intent.
this mindset also helps me with self-accountability. instead using the cop out of “i feel lazy,” i decided to say, “i’m intentionally resting.” on the flip side of that, if i don’t feel like i truly am “intentionally resting”, it motivates me to do something that i can do intentionally. i’ve become so addicted to my phone that i’ve more than a dozen mobile games downloaded that i just play mindlessly. mindless and intentional cannot live in the same space, and so it’s forced me to really take a look at what i’ve been spending my time on. am i playing these games because they bring me joy, or because i am escaping something else?
while we are only a little over a week into the new year, looking at things from this perspective has really helped me reorganize myself. i hope that because this is a way i’m choosing to think as opposed to a goal, i can rewire my brain to be more productive and feel more fulfilled each day. i am a chronic victim of bedtime revenge which, as someone with cyclothymia, is extremely detrimental to my mental health.
today i intended to write. and i did. i was able to accomplish a small goal that had been on my mind for so long.
this year i hope to focus on my family, my friends, my faith, and my growth. i hope to dive into learning languages, leading a healthier lifestyle, and maintaining my sense of self while also embracing the new role of being a mother.
here’s to the year ahead, cheers!
kaffinejo's musings 