my first sondheim!
there was already buzz about into the woods during the run of titanic: the musical. i had planned to audition for it, my eyes set on little red. it was my first time auditioning for an actual lead role – and only a lead role. meaning it was the first time not checking off the “i will accept another role” box. i was nervous, yet excited.
of course, into the woods is a pivotal piece, beloved by many. it’s a difficult show due to how complex it is, but at the same time, so much of the show is so well written and straight forward that it’s special without any extra trimmings. i’d categorize myself as a traditionalist when it comes to musical theatre, i personally prefer for shows to stay closer to the original, while others prefer to add a twist or make it different.
the audition process was nerve-wracking. people say you should feel more confident when auditioning in front of people you already know, but i actually feel even more nervous – they know what i can do, so what if i’m disappointing? the production team this go around was the almost identical to titanic: the musical, so i knew everyone quite well. i was excited to get called back, and oh boy, the talent was off the charts. there were so many people there that could have easily been cast, i can’t imagine how difficult it was for them to make the decisions.
i, however, was called back against only one other person, and since i’m terribly insecure with my acting, i felt like the choices i made during the sides were not quite right. waiting for the possibility of a rejection email kept me up late that night. getting that email offering me little red was immensely joyful! i accepted instantly.
i learned a lot from this show in so many different ways. sondheim is known to be extremely difficult. he’s known for his leitmotifs where the melodies are reused but the lyrics are different. having to memorize three different versions of the same song was arduous, to say the least, but the challenge was also something that made me feel as though i was growing as a singer. anyone who’s done any sondheim before can tell you the minute differences can drive you insane. repetition is key, however, and once you get used to the order, your mouth moves on its own. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t just go on autopilot in some cases, surprised with myself that the lyrics were correct without much brain power.
the other thing i learned from this show is actor humility. at the end of the day, a show belongs to the director and the production staff. whether you agree with a direction choice or not, as an actor you have a responsibility to follow through on it. while you can discuss and make suggestions to find the character you envision, the final call remains with the director. for example, there are many ways to interpret little red’s relationship with the wolf. it’s very common that it is treated literally. equally, it is approached with a sexual undertone. it was a true test of my abilities to approach the scenes with the wolf without squirming or getting embarrassed (which i did quite a lot in the beginning.) i’m glad i was able to overcome this hurdle in my insecurities thanks to our director and choreographer.
speaking of scene work, this was my first show having multiple scene partners. i had to learn how to work with many different personalities. i’d always either been stuck with one person, or been in ensemble so i was able to bounce around more. so having dedicated people i had to work with was a new experience! there were definitely moments of frustration, but there were many more moments of joyful fulfillment.
on another note, while i ended up looking super cute, the costume design for little red was stressful to me because it felt like stepping back in time to my middle school days. i’m fortunate that i could pull off the look, but, oh man, punk-rock-emo-hot-topic-girl was a cringey blast from the past. not to mention a lot of little red’s spunky and slightly unsettling lines are similar to my manner of speaking. just like during ordinary days when i played deb, my family and friends teased me ad nauseum about how i only ever play myself.
this cast was almost exactly half the size of titanic, so for a majority of the process i kept thinking half the cast was missing, haha. everyone was incredibly talented. and i mean every. single. person. the cast, the production team, the backstage crew, everyone. i was always amazed by the things that everyone brought to the table and i was able to pick up a piece of knowledge from each of them. having amazing people beside you is such an enriching and inspiring experience. i can say with sheer conviction that i grew in large part due to these people.
i would be lying if i said that i wasn’t unsure when sitzprobe came. there were so many scheduling conflicts and pieces to put together that i wasn’t fully confident that we could show this to people. but in true community theatre fashion, we were able to get everything together during tech week. i was so high strung that i even accidentally injured myself during sitzprobe. my brother came to take photos and i was so self-conscious with him watching, that when practicing my stomp, i hit the ground with full force, bruising my heel bone. (it’s been a few weeks and it still hurts, oops.)
by opening night, i knew what we had was something truly special. it was a show that i loved and i wouldn’t change anything about it. my first sondheim was serendipitous and magical.
i argued with myself on discussing this, but it would be amiss to not acknowledge all parts of my experience.
i also encountered my first bout of drama in community theatre. unfortunately, a review came out about the show, and while i received glowing reviews, it had quite a few critiques as well. i’ve been fortunate that all the shows that i’ve participated in only got positive feedback, and while that is such a wonderful honor, i always wondered how genuine those reviews were. was the author sincerely blown away or were they just saying only the nice things? i think i appreciated this review specifically because the author didn’t hold back, making the compliments given (praise to the cast’s vocals, etc.) seem even more genuine. in truth, while i was thrilled to be regarded so highly, i took more from the critiques, feeling like i learned something from the article as well.
the unfortunate part of the review was the fact that it polarized the cast. while others agreed with the review and the points that it made, others felt that it came off harsh and overly critical. i have a strong belief that if you get on stage, you have to accept any and all judgement that’s made about you. reviews are an inevitable part of any art and while they can be disheartening, they also offer opportunity to grow. (you can also feel free to ignore them!) one of my castmates even said that he was able to be introspective and improve as an actor from the review. i’d also like to clarify that feeling hurt by reviews is completely valid, but in art we will never please everyone, and i hope that anyone hurt by reviews won’t hold on to them too strongly.
my appreciation for the sincerity of the review was taken out of context, and unfortunately some in the cast were displeased with my opinion on the matter. i know it’s easy to say, “of course you liked the review, you were praised” but to be honest, even if i hadn’t been, i think my opinion would still be the same. in fact, after the review, i experienced great discomfort due to its polarizing effects.
i was actually very hurt and frustrated when a fellow castmate changed many things on stage on the second weekend because they were angry with me. while anything i said wasn’t meant to be hurtful, i understand if people can interpret what i said to be distasteful. i stand by what i say, and i also accept that means not everyone is going to like me, but to knowingly try to mess with my performance on stage was something i absolutely could not accept. i was extremely disappointed in this person’s behavior especially when we had such a good rapport prior – i even told them on several occasions that they inspired me to work harder in my art.
that experience unfortunately colored my overall memory of the show. while there were so many things i appreciated and loved, i didn’t experience the post-show depression that i usually had because it made me glad it was over and i wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of not trusting a scene partner. however, the depression did manifest in a different way, i was so emotionally drained from the encounter and it was reminiscent of some trauma that i experienced in high school. it was so bad to the point that i wasn’t able to work up the energy, or courage, to write this post until now.
i don’t want to only focus on the negatives. this was my first lead i got to do without being precast and i was honored to be selected to play little red. she became such an important part of my life, and the support i received from my friends and family was so immense. i met amazing people, i was able to work on difficult music and refine my singing, and i got to do character work that gave me a broader perspective of life.
and so i say goodbye to little red, the spunky and chaotic teen that taught me about myself.
into the woods, i have to go. i hate to leave, i have to though. but everything i learn there, will help when i return there.
kaffinejo's musings 