godspeed, farewell maddie astor

another stage, another show, another bout of post-show depression.

when i signed on to do titanic: the musical, i didn’t realize how much it’d mean to me by the end of the run. i missed doing shows, and this was one of my close friend’s all-time-favorite musicals, so i thought, why not? i was also excited to work with good shepherd players, after two previous attempts at joining their productions.

now i know what you’re thinking, “titanic: the musical? is there a jack and rose?” my answer is a very aggressive “no.” contrary to popular belief, the musical actually came before the movie. this story is based on the real people who were on the ill-fated ship. almost all the characters in the show are real people, and their stories are mostly accurate. it was very frustrating having to explain to people over and over again that the movie is a grossly over-dramatized version of the great tragedy. however, we were able to spin that into a marketing campaign called “it’s not that titanic.”

originally, i had auditioned for the role of kate mcgowan, an unconventional irish lady, heading to america. it was really fun preparing for an audition the way i did this one! i worked very hard on an irish accent, and i feel pretty good about it now! i wasn’t cast as kate in the end, but i was offered a role in the first class passenger ensemble.

at first, i accepted the role of madame aubert, the mistress of one the many rich passengers. i felt confident that my three years of french in high school would help me with my accent! but then, i was thrown into a quick pivot and within a few hours of the first rehearsal, became madeleine astor. i was actually pretty estatic for the change because it was a slightly larger role, and i identified with the sweet nineteen year old much more easily than a mistress. one of the things that made me even more excited about the role was that she was seven months pregnant, and it would give me the opportunity to do something different!

this was my first time playing an actual person, so i did research on mrs. maddie. i became strangely protective of her. if you ask anyone in the cast, my easiest trigger point was the fact that maddie was renown through high society for her quick wit and well spoken elegance, yet her lines all made her seem like a vapid, classless idiot. another giant misconception about her was that she married john jacob astor (who was twenty-nine years her senior) for money. she did not! she was already rich. there was a lot of scandal in regards to her marriage to mr. astor, specifically due to their age gap, but within two months of their marriage they were already pregnant. a lot of research i did shows that she actually loved jacob, and it wasn’t a marriage of convenience.

preparing for the role didn’t just include doing my research, i also had to figure out how to display pregnancy properly. i spent a lot of time practicing the “pregnant waddle” with the help of my assistant director. it was really something i spent a lot of time thinking about. a lot of people who play pregnant roles tend to have moments they forget that they’re supposed to be pregnant, and so i made it my goal to make sure it was at the front of my mind at all times. i’m going to go ahead and brag that someone who came to see the show thought i was actually pregnant! i feel so proud.

and it wouldn’t be me if i didn’t complain about maddie’s hair. i know that it was period appropriate (technically) but dear god, do you see that absolute bush!? seriously, she could have gotten a nicer style, i swear! there was no way that my hair would be able to achieve that style, at least not without significant damage, so i opted for a wig. i’d worn wigs before for princessing gigs, but never for a show. the wig was definitely a challenge at first, but by the end, i got quite comfortable in it!

despite everything i’ve already mentioned, i think the most difficult part of playing maddie was being paired with someone much older than me. ironically, my scene partner, ended up being exactly twenty nine years older than me, which was the exact same age gap as maddie and jacob. at first, i was wildly uncomfortable. having to hold hands and be doted on by my show husband was something i struggled a lot with. despite my panicking, i kept telling myself “it’s acting, it’s acting” instead of acknowledging my feelings. finally, one day, the cast had a discussion about consent, and i admitted to myself how i was really feeling. i’m so thankful that i was in a safe space to talk to one of my castmates about it and the assistant director. after talking about it, i felt so much better.

now i want to talk about my scene partner, charlie. i want to make it abundantly clear that he was an absolute gentleman and remarkably kind. all the things i was experiencing were entirely internal. the amount of gratitude that i have to be paired with such a wonderful person is, even now, making me tear up. it took a few weeks, but once i’d expressed my feelings out loud, i became very comfortable around him. as i got to know him and his character, i became more and more thankful that he was my scene partner. there is no way to properly convey the relationship we formed, but it lives somewhere between friendship and familial affection. when we came to the end of the run, and were no longer “husband and wife,” he let me know that he sees me as a daughter and, as a girl with her share of daddy issues, he became a very special person in my life. i had my suspicions that i would end up crying writing about this, and i was right.

a huge surprise for me was the amount of friends i made over the course of this adventure. when i’d attended the very first rehearsal, i didn’t think i would become close to anyone, but by the end i formed so many wonderful bonds. statistically speaking, with a fourty-person cast, one would assume you’d make at least one or two friends, but i made several, and i’m so thankful.

there were also quite a few talented people i’d seen in other shows that i had on my “i want to work with them someday” list. i was a little starstruck at first, but before i knew it, they became my friends. getting to work with people that had such an impact on me as an audience member gave me the drive to strive to reach their level. that challenge really brought me to new heights. shelby, in particular, really inspired me.

being in costume also really brought the show to life. it’s amazing what visuals can do to the atmosphere. i gained new perspectives on what it means to be on stage and interact with others. i learned to prepare for emotional scenes, and how to be in the scene as opposed to just acting. sitting backstage listening to the heart wrenching songs and scenes took quite an emotional toll on me. i was preparing myself to be the grieving widow, and as i went to go on for the finale, the tears i shed were real. i was fortunate that before bows, charlie chuckling at me crying was great for grounding myself.

sitzprobe came in a flash. so much so that i was nervous – were we even ready to show this to people? despite that, singing classical five-part harmony with a full orchestra made the choir kid in me sing. and once we started doing full runs, i began to find confidence in our work. the cast, the production team, the backstage support, and the orchestra – they were all such wonderful people to work with. every single person involved in the production were a piece of the amazing show that we were able to put on!

although it was a smaller role than deb in ordinary days, so many of my family and friends came to see me! i enjoyed having people to see after each show, and felt so lucky getting flowers and hugs. i can never express enough how blessed i am to have so many extraordinary people in my life.

aside from just who i am on stage, i also learned a lesson on juggling time. i forgot how arduous doing a show can be, especially in the month leading up to opening, that i ended up overbooking myself. i was so wrapped up in doing so many activities outside of titanic, that i was neglecting a lot of things that i should have been prioritizing. the last shows that i did, i wasn’t as social and didn’t have as many activities that i dedicated time to, so i thoughtlessly forgot about home. each new show i do, i learn new things about life and how to balance the things that matter. i now have an action plan for the next time i get on stage!

but like all good things, titanic has come to an end. i’m honestly still reeling. i keep thinking that i will have rehearsal again and get to board that great ship once more. after spending three months with maddie astor, i feel proud of how much i grew with her and with myself. i even got to experience that old adage, “there are no small parts, only small actors.” maddie may have only had five lines, but i got to enjoy so much more than that. there were moments that were entirely my own. you never know who you may touch while you’re up there in the spotlight, and maddie taught me that.

so to the woman who was known as the most powerful woman in new york during her time, i bid farewell. i’ll hold you closely as i say goodbye and keep your image in my memory’s eye.